


My Mistakes Shall Be Mine Alone

by goldtintedskies



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-05-20 08:23:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14891000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldtintedskies/pseuds/goldtintedskies
Summary: A character study on Fjord, the similarities he sees between himself and Nott, the terror he feels about the total unknown element of his new powers and his fears about Nott doing terrible thingsAKA - I love angst and the idea of Fjord secretly shitting bricks about his warlock stuff but putting on a brave face





	My Mistakes Shall Be Mine Alone

Fjord knew what it meant to stand out the way he knew the knots need to make a fishing net. It was ingrained in him through blood, sweat and far more tears than he would care to admit. Even now, having developed what passed for trust within the Mighty Nein with his teammates, he still hid parts of himself away for fear of them finding out the decisions he had made. For fear of them jumping to link his failures to his parentage just as children at school had. Despite his hard earned thirty years, he still hears the taunts of his peers ringing in his ears when townsfolk in the smallest villages of the Empire give him sharp looks and mother's pull their children closer to them upon seeing him. It is for these reasons that he feels a certain kinship with Nott he thinks, and not just because both of them are green, as he knows Molly would joke. 

Fjord sees Nott, and instantly recognises the sense of being an outsider in both her clan and society. The image resonates with him, a stark reminder of his childhood, of the bullying which pushed him to harming himself to try to find a sense of normalcy. Her mask, a disguise with which she can hide herself from the world, mirrors his own lack of tusks and, he ruminantes, his deceit about the true source of his power. He can easily relate to wanting to avoid judgement for the unchangeable facts of one's existence.

 

Nonetheless, Fjord knows on a deeper level his offer of support, comes from a place of deep seated suspicion rather than mere concerns for her well-being. He’s sure him and Nott shared many differences, Nott was trapped by her heritage, while he had never truly been sure of the identity of his own parents, but what worries him the most are the potential similarities they could share.

Fjord knows what it is like to care for someone deeply, granted in a different way to Nott’s alleged motherly instinct to protect Caleb, and he knows what it can do to a person to lose those who they hold most dear. He is horrifically aware of the rash decisions that can be made in grief, of the thoughts of “Dear Gods what have I done?” which never stop echoing in the back of his head, of deep voices at deep pressure, the crushing weight of thousands of tonnes of saltwater and of brilliant flashes of amber in the corner of his eyes. 

Nott, he mused, certainly has fewer inhibitions than him, and her affection for Caleb borders on obsessive. It is far too much like her possessiveness over the shiniest objects they find for Fjord's liking. He wonders darkly, the lengths she would go to to keep her precious, shining boy safe. The deals she could make, the revenge she could wreak. He shudders as images race through his mind; flashes of bloodstained needle-point teeth, crossbow bolts flying supernaturally straight towards their marks, vials of acid giving horrific burns far beyond they have any natural ability to. 

Yes, he reasons, he must keep an eye on her, even though she no more wants his mentorship than she wants to be a goblin, he will continue to observe her from afar. Fjord will not let the world know the havoc Nott could be used to unleash. He will not let her make a decision like his, he decides. 

The world needs no more monsters like him.

**Author's Note:**

> I just love the idea of Fjord being simultaneously terrified, disgusted and confused by his new warlock powers, but a lot better at hiding his feelings than Caleb. I think that he sees the similarities between him and Nott and worries that she could go down the same route as him if something bad happens to Caleb. I know nothing about warlocks in d and d, or multi-classing for that matter but I wrote this anyways. Comments and kudos much appreciated. Find on tumblr @chasethecolour


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